sleepless nights

recent nights have been spent thinking about a lot of stuff. past, present and future.. balancing rationality and emotions have never been my forte, yet i'm always placed in a position to do that. even as i type, the tears are slowly forming. it took me a really long time make a decision, a really difficult and painful one. i keep asking myself, why does it have to end up like this? on one hand, i have to be honest to myself. on the other, i have to fulfill a responsibility.. this is really killing me. argh.

i'm choosing this way out, because its the least painful decision in the long run. i know i'm taking a big risk, a risk of losing something forever. But at least, its a risk that I, instead of anyone else, have to take. since the problem started with me, then i should be the one taking the initiative at this, and risk losing this gem.

bittersweet memories are overwhelming me. guilt is killing me. knowing someone is hurting worse because of me is breaking me. i wish i can be stronger.